A Letter to the Scottish Farmer Looking for a Bride

Dear David Harris (aka “Farmer Dave”),

I saw your posting on The Farming Forum where you state your interest in acquiring a bride. As a farm girl myself, as well as a single female, you piqued my interest and I figured I would respond. As a big Outlander fan, I’m hoping we can make this work.

First, I know that dating and women can be hard and confusing, but perhaps the reason you haven’t had any success is because you’re trying to treat the process the same as buying a tractor. It is different. To find a bride, you have to take the time to get to know her inside and out. Learn about her – what revs her engine, makes her purr, or gets her going. Find out about her past and the experience she’s had. You have to be willing to give and take. You may need to compromise on some of the things you really want.

You know what? Nevermind. I’ve watched my dad buy enough tractors and the process is exactly the same.

Now to the important stuff…

Can you tell me a little bit about the legal system in Scotland? I’m a practicing attorney here in the United States and it would be my preferred career. Perhaps I can just transfer my license or take another bar exam. More importantly, do judges and lawyers still have to wear those silly white wigs? I’m not sure the whole horizontal, white curls thing would be my best look.

Also, I see that you’re a cattle rancher and this has me somewhat worried. See, we’re row crop farmers, which means we spend a lot of time in air-conditioned, cabbed tractors. That suits me really well because I’m not necessarily fond of getting really dirty, especially not with cow crap (or any other kind of crap, actually). If you can promise that we can keep that to a minimum, we can forego the law license inquiry.

Finally, I’m a little worried about speech patterns. I speak with a very Midwestern “ack-cent” and I think I might stand out like a sore thumb. Does everyone in Scotland still speak with an accent? Like I mentioned, I am a big Outlander fan. Binge watching a season or reading for a few hours allows me to pick up an accent, so maybe that will help alleviate this problem. Definitely interested in your thoughts.

Once I get some answers we can talk about some of those collateral issues, like faith, kids, finances, values, etc. We just need to get the important things settled first.

Waiting on your reply,